I just wanted to share how God's been working in my life. He's so amazing, did you know that? If you didn't know that, or you don't know Him, you don't know what you're missing!
I've been dealing with random crap for about 3 months (Kari estimates) and I've been convincing myself and others that I've been fine. I haven't even been writing anything down in my journal, that's how convinced I was, and yet stuff was just building up, and over the last few weeks, things have gotten worse and I've basically had more mental breakdowns than...I don't know, something that has an outbreak of mental breakdowns. It's been daily, anyway.
Long story short, throughout all of this, I kept hearing that voice telling me to open up, to stop faking it, to stop wearing a mask and be real; to myself, to others, and to God. I had the feeling that I had to deal with everything, so that was when I got the idea to make a list. So God was leading me to do the list last weekend, and I ended up side-stepping that, but felt guilty and this weekend, was forced to. God wanted me to do it before communion Sunday so I could go to the Lord's table clean and relieved. The biggest thing I heard God say to me, when I asked Him where He was, and why couldn't I feel Him, was "Let people in; that's how you'll see My love."
So Saturday night, 2 1/2 hours and 13 typed single space pages later, I had my feelings. It's amazing how exhausting that can be! I fell asleep so fast, and even napped on Sunday! (I know, weird eh?) I'm still tired, but I got it out of me, and I prayed about it, so it was God's.
Well yesterday, I was more honest about not being fine, and I opened up a little bit to Michelle when she asked me if my ear was bothering me, and I said yes, and proceeded to tell her what was wrong with it, and I'm not kidding,
INSTANTLY, the pain was gone! I just smiled and thought, wow God, You're awesome. But that wasn't the end of it. At Bible study last night, I shared about how I gave stuff to God and need help in dealing with stuff, and I COULD NOT GET OVER HOW LIGHT I FELT, AND HOW I FELT GOD'S LOVE through Michelle, and through Lyla, and through Christ Himself coming on me with His Spirit. I felt His love sweeping through me and gave me a genuine love for the people in the room for me, and...you know what, I won't be able to do it justice by explaining how uplifted it felt, to feel God's love upon me like a dove.
WOW! I'm just so motivated to go out there now. God told me if I stopped faking it and stopped wearing a mask, I would see His love.
And I did.
CHRISSY